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ssia
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Birthday: 4/3/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: music as a language, an art form, and therefore a medium of self-expression itself, digital photography, emotive photography, grainy black-and-white photos, writing, white chocolate, soy milk, bad TV, cartoons, nostalgia-inducing japanese songs, obscure intimate lyrics, beautiful boys, fado, cloudy days, the metro, my dogs, those moments, -isms, kitsch, ummmm.
Industry: Media
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/23/2005
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| Okay. I'm not really sure on
as to what it is I really want to say. It really sucks when there's something you want to say, that
you want to put down into words (because you don't have any other outlet for this particular feeling
you want to express, or because you want to have it on the record so you can look back on it someday
and laugh, whatever), but the feeling, that that thing, is just too big to be put down into
ink, it encompasses the written word--the words, instead of liberating the thought, limit it, and
therefore does exactly the opposite of what you set out to do in the first place. And it doesn't
feel that good, because these words? They just don't do justice to it.
So. A lot's been happening, and though
there's time to write things down, to make a note of it, to remember and try and freeze the moment,
I haven't been doing it. It's that feeling that I wrote about (points up) the thing about how
words just don't do justice to all these strange feelings I've been going through. On a topic
sorta-kinda connected to that, Maita and I were chatting the other night, about memories,
'last-time' memories--do they stay intact, unchanged forever, because that was the "last
time", or do they fade away in time, because it was the "last time"?
Maita was saying
that they do fade away, eventually--the details get hazy, and your imagination has to go and fill
things in--it isn't only the memory anymore, it's already with you filling things in, these
memories, they're never for forever. I was telling her how that saddened me, and, in a sudden fit of
youthful idealism, proclaimed I never wanted to forget the (figurative) sunrises.
And
she short of scoffed at me after I said that (shakes head) That girl is such a pessimist
(realist kuno--I don't know, for me, for someone to be a realist, one can't be too much of
an idealist or a pessimist either, there has to be a healthy balance between the two
extremes--maybe it won't exactly be proportionate, but still) when it all comes down to it.
Anyway, yeah. The
thought of memories fading away, it saddens me. Experiences--anything we go through, they're all
beautiful, in their own way, they're all glorious and new and life-changing, and there is always,
always something to gain from all of it. I believe they--these memories from these experiences, all
these experiences-- deserve more than this, a short stint, then to fade away into oblivion, never to
be remembered again.
But
at the same time--maybe that's how they're meant to be--beautiful, for that one fleeting moment (it
is fleeting, take into account the universe and how eternity is), and there. We never
run out of experiences to go through, maybe that's how the universe makes up for the impermanence of
things. The never-ending impermanence of things. Wahahaha.
Okay, that's enough for now, have to head off for
now, be back later.
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| 1.) ...And people
wonder why I have issues with men. I don't think it's much of a wonder
that I have these issues, though it is a wonder that I have not yet
shunned men completely and started going out with girls exclusively or
something. Was harrassed again today, but it was worse this time
around--he didn't touch me or anything, but he was close enough to
touch me, and that was sick. And he was sick, the way he was acting was
sick, I don't even want to think about it.
I'm not letting it get to me this time, though, instead of
y'know, letting it shoot my self-esteem down or what, I'm just angry
that this sort of thing happens, whatever happened to respect for women and
the rest of the fucking human race? And, you disgusting, chauvinistic
bastard: Just because you have that disgusting appendage hanging down
from between your legs, that doesn't make you any better than me, or any other woman you may have chanced upon before or after me. So there.
2.) That aside. I wasn't able to watch the Arnis SEA games today,
'cause the maternal unit wouldn't let me go off without anyone else
with me. :( I'm hoping for tomorrow, maybe in the afternoon--I'll have
to hitch with my brother going home, but that'll be okay. That means
cross-city commuting again, though (oh hahaha), but it should be worth
it. Any takers, anyone want to go watch with me?:D
3.) Apparently I'm a seductress (scarlet woman?) now. HAHAHAHA! Riiiiiight.
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| when i got out of
adi's house, my feet felt like lead--i wasn't dizzy or anything, but i
was staggering, i could barely keep myself up, and i wanted to collapse
into the ground and nothing. 'course, i couldn't, so i settled for
falling asleep on the car ride to chris's house. i'm a bit more awake
now, though--i'm dead tired, but i'm extremely vain when it comes to my
skin complexion, i spend around twenty minutes in the bathroom just on
my face (well most of that is spent on the eyeliner and scrounging
about for pimples--i have three new ones, oh the horror) so i didn't
even think of stumbling into bed yet. so yeah, bathroom, changed, now,
i'm considerably a bit more awake, awake enough that my brain won't let
my tired body go to sleep 'cos it's clicking and whirring and very much
in motion, so i guess, um, yeah, blog entry.
(OKAY the exhaustion's creeping up on me, i guess i'll just finish this first, then off to bed)
the sex was okay. (hahahaha. okay i really can't get enough of this, i
love it when i tell people where i've been--"where'd you go last
night?" "oh, i was off having sex with friends" the look on people's
faces when i say that, i love it i love it i love it :)) but okay,
let's clarify things, sex isn't what it looks like, okay, it's our
code. and we love it.) the company was great, though, i haven't hung
around these people (the boys, i've grown to consider them barkada na rin,
i don't hold back at all wahahaha) in the longest time--adi ange dave
andrew driggs bianx itch, and y'know, it was fun, i missed them, i
missed their company, those loons : ) well no, i see adi and bianx and
itch a bit more than the rest of them, but i don't know, it's just not
the same, without ange (crazy witch!) and the boys--hahaha i remember,
we used to go out with those boys every
single weekend. things're different now though, 'course they are.
anywaaaay yeah, food was good, company was even better--we had a few
hundred thousand laughs, and the people around us were giving us these
looks like we were mad, but who cares--when you're with good friends,
you don't really care, so yeah. we ended up at adi's a bit later on,
threw aly (her somewhat sardonic eleven-year old kid sister) a
mini-party, and played the most intense game of scrabble (in
pairs)--well, pretty intense for a pack of crazy kids with lots
of beer and peanuts, yeah -_- ads and i didn't take the game much
seriously ("dbatman! bandanat!") but everyone else was--yes, there are
ups and downs to being friends with a whole pack of geeks :D, but no,
how seriously everyone was taking it was kind of funny to me, the
entire situation and all.
anywaaaay, the game eventually finished after an hour or so, inbetween exchanging ripped-off racist jokes (off of saturday night live)
with andrew and downing a few drinks--a glass of asti (mmm), a couple
of beers (never kept count, but i had my head and my bearings, didn't
even get tipsy) and making up more words with adi and more
pseudo-flirting with dave (my son and husband? i swear, those lines
never get old) and me abandoning the game halfway through to go
on up to just upstairs--we sat back and watched a bit of tv and chatted
awhile. i haven't seen that boy in the longest time, he's an
anti-social creature, he is. oh, ads and i didn't finish last, though,
dave and andrew did. so we had them do truth and dare, and both boys
chose truth all the way, and we didn't get very interesting answers,
i'll admit (but mostly because we didn't really want to know *that*
much, hahaha)---ooooh but we got a juicy one :D, but yes, you know my
slash loving self, i love this, so i'm keeping it to myself (manic
grin). oh wow now that sounds bad. oh well.
anyway, yeah--bianx, andrew, dave eventually left a bit past twelve, so
adi, ange, itch and i lounged about in their living room (ange and itch
sprawled out on the floor, adi and i on opposing couches) and went on
and on a bit more 'till my brother came for me and chris. and here i am
now. and now i really really want to sleep. i want to talk a bit more,
but i'm going to need to organize my thoughts first, and i really don't
think it's something i can do right now. so, tomorrow, then. 'night for
now (stumbles into bed and falls into deep slumber, zzzzzzzzzzzz)
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| you
know, love isn't really something that can be defined--you can't just
corner it or stick it into a box and define it, it's just, that's just
wrong, because it isn't something you can put into words--you can try,
'cos without the words, how else are we going to put how we're feeling
across, but putting it into words, trying to define it is completely
LIMITING it (which completely defeats the whole point of the
spoken/written language, 'cause the very medium you have with which you
want to bring your message across is the very one that limits it, as
well, but nevermind) but you know, yeah, you can't stop love from doing
whatever it wants to do--people like to put labels on their feelings
because it helps them deal, because, when you know what you're dealing
with, it's a whole lot easier, right? but you really shouldn't go by
those words, labeling and limiting things, as much as possible.
'course, that tends to make things a lot more confusing, all
these abstract concepts running amok, with us having no other way of
describing them out loud to anyone else around us who might want to
listen, but, well--why do we have to think about it? why can't we just
feel and feel and that's it for now? do we have to do anything about
these certain feelings if there isn't really anything we can do about
them? love is love is love, there isn't anything we can do about
it--there isn't anything particularly frightening about love, except
for the fact that it isn't something we understand very much well (fear
of the unknown, et cetera)
but love is love, and there is nothing much different,
from loving a friend, or from loving a mother, or a brother, or
whatever--love is love, and love is a limitless, endless ocean of
opportunity and possibility and love and hope--all love is pure, and
there isn't much we can say about it, as the words are never enough,
but we can feel it. and just because the feeling is something we can
never ever seem to express or get quite right in words ("i love you...i
like you...i have feelings for you, the third maybe being the most
vague yet most on-the-spot one at the same time), that doesn't mean it isn't there.
love shouldn't bother anyone, no one understands love--or maybe we all
do, it's just that it isn't something we can express out loud to share
with the rest of the world--but love is good. and it is better left
alone--don't think, just feel. just feel.
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| 10 REALLY random things about me:
- i've been listening to a lot of fado
and japanese rock lately. (current favorite song: "retrato", by mariza.
beautiful, voluptuous voice, music like poetry. cesaria evora is still
my favorite fado singer, though)
- i'm left-handed, but for some reason, most people are under the impression that i write with my right hand.
- my hair is streaked dark purple-brown, but most people can't tell.
- my contacts grade is significantly lower than my actual grade--i have
to wear them a couple of numbers down 'cos my eyes can't really take
them that close up. my glasses have my actual grade, though.
- i don't like pizza, except for brooklyn pizza (white cheese) and
yellow cab, meat lovers'. sometimes, 'm okay with pizza hut, but only
if the crust is stuffed.
- when 'm asked to "describe myself", my mind draws a blank, and i
never know what to say. once, during a routine guidance interview, i
was asked that question, and i was so frazzled i ended up writing down
my site url and giving it to the counselor, telling her to just look me
up and to take the information from there, instead.
- i'm myself and i'm pretty comfortable with that fact, most of the time.
- i have an oral fixation--hence the nail-biting, and chewing on
anything that can be chewed on, pencil erasers, the tip of the skin off
my finger, etc.
- my mom once dubbed two of my dogs trout and tilapia. i have forgotten their actual names.
- i once re-subtitled an entire movie for six hours, without stopping.
9 ways to win my heart:
- firstly, be sure you want to. :))
- be comfortable with yourself and the way you really are.
- be passionate about at least one thing in life.
- be someone who can make good (not necessarily 'sensible' by conventional terms) conversation..
- have at least some sort of appreciation for any form of music.
- take all my quirks in stride, take me for who i am (isn't this something everyone wants?)
- be respectful and mindful of everyone and everything around you.
- i don't really know, you know, just, surprise me.
8 things I carry (and wear) everyday:
- my ring-watch (no, chris, not my ringwraith--from singapore)
- waterproof onyx eyeliner
- the necklace of the moment (right now it's a colorful assortment of african stones)
- any nice roomy sling-bag (preferably my green US army canvas bag or any one of my hobo bags)
- my contact lenses (well, contact lens only, i suppose)
- my cellphone
- my scapular (can't find it right now though)
- my wallet
- my flash disk ('cos i'm a geek like that)
7 things that annoy me:
- rowdy teenagers on trains who don't give up their seats to elders
- men who whistle and hoot at women walking on the street
- perverted family drivers
- horrible english grammar--the person knows it, yet s/he insists on speaking it all the same.
- pretenses
- being made to fold boxes
- atheist vs. christian chats on YM
6 places I've visited:
- rome
- venice
- florence
- singapore
- bangkok
- dubai
5 things I want to do before I die:
-throw myself in front of a speeding vechicle, jump off a building/bridge and live
- get over myself
- figure out what course i want my life to take (well yeah)
-
have a mind-blowing, passionate, emotional affair with someone, the way
i can do with my music, so much to the point that i lose all
inhibitions and not think and just feel and feel and feel
- travel around the world
4 things I'm afraid of:
- change
- falling and not being able to get up the next time around
- having nothing good to look forward to in my future
- love
3 things I do everyday:
- go online
- listen to music
- go to sleep
2 things I'm trying not to do now:
- download more e-books off limewire (too late)
- think about things
1 person I want to see now:
- jeffer
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